Growing Self-Esteem
As Kristen Finello says in her article on self-esteem and raising a confident child: “A positive sense of self is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. Children with high self-esteem feel loved and competent and develop into happy, productive people.”
Kids who have been invested in have the opportunity to grow into adults who can live their fullest life. They can experience their own true nature, care for themselves and orient the world using their skills and faculties to feel fulfilled. To know they belong here and that their only purpose is solely to experience and perceive this very precious existence is helpful. To feel deeply loved and supported by life even when the going gets dangerously tough is a great ally. For a parent that’s big investment with no return or even expectation of a return. None. That’s the deal. That’s unofficial of course as many of us like to think we get some kind of kickback: a carer into old age, an innocent to vent on, an arms-bearer to carry on the family name, a donkey to continue to derive status, wealth and a good reputation that will somehow reflect our own gilted glory. Maybe something to crow about at dinner parties. I’m being ironic. Unconsciously or consciously choosing to be detached from our children and their choices is liberating.
People with strong self-esteem are associated with humility. This word carries some heavy associations of which many are religious. Humility was veiled with a shroud of insignificance. If we travel back to humility’s roots it is derived from the Latin ‘humilis’ meaning ‘ground’ and ‘humus’ as in ‘earth’. Being grounded in reality, seeing everyone as equal, the self-importance of the ego is detonated. It literally has nowhere to grow. Or go. There can be no comparison, which tends to breed it’s more insane cousin competition. So no competition either.
In Tara Brachs’ podcast “Being Truthful, How Honesty Nourishes Love” she demonstrates through various rich fables and stories how people baring their innermost truths heals toxicity. In a culture that promotes deception to survive, children are suffering. Honesty is intrinsic to their nature. They learn to lie to protect themselves from harm. Having strong self-esteem means a person is able to say what they think and feel without fear of rejection. This is no minor endeavour. It’s like crossing a freeway juggling chainsaws while gargling marbles and frothy milk. It is hugely transformative. It really helps to practice on people who are sensitive and love you first.
There’s also an emphasis on being able to distinguish between the content of a message being delivered and the emotions connected to it. How emotions such as anger, fear and guilt play a role and how to excavate beneath these emotions to see where they come from. To form an honest alliance with our true selves and thus create healthy boundaries. The truthful self can say no to things (without feeling bad).
Those with strong self-esteem are able to respect others and appreciate their gifts and abilities. A win for someone is a win for everyone. Simultaneously, they don’t follow the pack. They take responsibility for their actions. They also release themselves from the past and know they can generate their own future. I was going to write something undermining like “does this super human exist?”. Actually she does, I like to think she is singing from the roof tops in Rome right now in black leather boots.
So how do we promote and nurture self-esteem to grow? Here are some suggestions, many of which you may already be totally down with. It helped me to have them all in one place so I can remember them!
Offering your children choices: what would they like for breakfast? You set the choices!
Letting them do things for themselves. Although it may take longer they feel confident when they can do it for themselves.
Sharing the secret that no one is perfect, we are all making mistakes and learning.
Giving them detailed praise regularly, not the blanket “ Wow that’s great!”. Maybe “ I like the way you’ve drawn the red bus”.
Delegating age-appropriate chores so they can learn to live in harmony with others and become self-reliant.
Appreciating everyone’s individuality in the family rather than drawing comparisons.
Always respecting their feelings, no matter what your perception is. Often there is much more below the surface that can come out if met with love.
Taking a break when you get angry. Parents can dislike the actions of their child without disliking their child. The book “I love you, Little Monkey” by Alan Durant and Katherine McEwan illustrates this perfectly!
Creating one-on-one time. It’s priceless. To eat dinner together, go for a walk or simply sit and talk. Driving is where a lot of of deep chats often happen.
Balanced self-understanding, appreciation of genuine talents and helping others is very different to the outcome of constant self-validation. As with all psychological introspection there are many nuances. Which is why honesty is the compass and self-esteem the warm hand to hold.
Happy holding!